I’ve sifted through a lot of my journaled prayers and there were some things I said that make me smile; that make me say “you’re on the right track, Simone”. There were some things that make me sad and really wish I could go back and comfort my past self. There were something I wrote down hoping to rid myself of he feelings, but now I’m happy I have them to remember.

What’s below are a mixture of it all. Some make me sound awesome, some make me sound horrible, and some make me crazy, but all of them were honest. i can’t promise that they’re biblical, I can see a lot of fallacies in my thinking, but all if it has brought me here. Written anywhere between 6-2 years ago, never with the intention of being public, but maybe they have a place here now.

  • “I’m going to make it. You promised.”
  • “It’s touching to see how it looks when the church runs as a body, not a group.”
  • “You’ve shown me that following you isn’t hard, but sometimes the work is.”
  • “…because I know it’s impossible for me to keep growing in you, never discovering the role you want me to play. Thank you for letting me play a part at all.”
  • “Before I start, I want to lay down my heart. You know I ache to be in a godly relationship and I know you have great reasons why that hasn’t happened yet. It’s hard, but I do trust you. Now, back to what’s important tonight…”
  • “My sin doesn’t take away from your mercy and grace.”
  • “I need you. This is all a part of the process. When I look like you and when I don’t, you will get the glory.”
  • “I’m desperately longing for satisfaction”
  • “I’ve let go of you though you haven’t let go of me”
  • “I want to care too. I don’t really know if I care about myself. I want to care enough about myself to say no to things that will take me away from you. I’m not worthy but you’ve still found a way to love me”
  • “Seeing you was like seeing a ghost or reliving a memory. It’s like you’re not here… or I wasn’t really there. I think that was my closure. I don’t suppose I’ll ever see you again and I’m not sad. You truly were a good part of 2013 but you have no place in 2014. I’m not sure if I’m being cold-hearted. Sometimes I have to fight off the bitterness but I’m not mad. You’ve done nothing wrong. There are some things I wish we both did differently, but you did nothing to intentionally cause me pain. There are still some things I hang onto that I need to rid myself of but that comes from inside and not from you or anyone/anything else. You were an experience I needed to have. I didn’t think I’d survive but I did and it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I hope one day only good things will come to mind when I think of you. Until then…” {not about God}
  • “I got very far off the path and it’s been hard to find the will to get back and stay there. It hurts God and it hurts that it doesn’t hurt. I want to be close to you again. I know that’s where I belong, God. So badly I need to be renewed in you. I need a fresh dose of who you are and who I am in you.”
  • “Feelings come and that’s ok as long as they are met with truth.”

I didn’t expect this to be so long so I’ll probably continue with Part 3!