I am a woman. In that I have unshakable confidence, but the “of God” part hasn’t come to me as easily. Being a woman today is debatable, being a good woman is subjective, and being a godly woman is obscure. I’ve found myself wandering through this wilderness my whole life. Sometimes I even call this no man’s land my home. Yet, every time I attempt to settle, everything shifts again. There is no solid ground on the society’s path to knowing womanhood. The qualifications, responsibilities, and characteristics are constantly changing… and fast!

Since the beginning, my understanding of myself and of what I’m supposed to be have been at odds. Even with the revolving door of should’s and should not’s, I’ve never belonged. I’m too fervent to be coy, too attentive to be independent, and too assertive to be matronly. I go through seasons of loving the variety then hating the fluctuations. Seems like the world is unceasingly ready and willing to answer my repetitive cry for direction with a different route every time.

Even in the ways I knew were wrong, I’d still run to them because found (false) validation. Though there are maaaany hats I felt unable to wear, I could rock the crown of empowerment like no other. Personally, I think we all have a sin that almost seems custom-made for us. Power, independence, what I say goes, attitude, sass, etc (basically the feminism movement) are mine. When I want to stray from God, this is my home away from home, my comfy prison cell.

It wasn’t until I read  Genesis 3:16 that I saw a light at the end of this “slay trick or you get eliminated” tunnel (that’s Beyonce for those of you I just completely alienated). How ‘lucky’ am I that my preferred strategy for self-destruction is so clearly stated in the Bible. That I can point to one verse and say, “uh, yea Simone, THAT’S why you are the way you are”. Not everyone has that advantage. But when I try to sum up my fleshly desire, And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” is it. My desire is to rule, but it’s not my true place. *Keep in mind that I said it’s not my place. I didn’t say that I can’t get there. That’s the problem; my reign is not right (eternally tortuous, even), but it’s not unattainable, at least not the kind I’d seek.

Being a woman is not easy (being anything really, but I’m gonna stick to what I know). I’m constantly playing devil’s advocate with myself trying to read between the lines of every Bible verse. Attempting to contort my being into the Proverbs 31 woman and seeing I don’t measure up. Maybe it’s because so many of her traits have been distorted in my present day and corrupted mind. It’s a lot of pressure and it’s a bad habit of mine to grill God demanding answers as to when he’s going to change this or that about me. My assumption was that when I got closer to Him, things would traded, instead they’ve been upgraded! I basically thought my personality was Mrs. Potato Head and God would take out the wrong pieces and put in the right ones. But One metaphorical ear is still bigger than the other, my eyes are still mismatched, my shoes are too big for my body. A toy, not a tool.

This is not to give the illusion that once you meet Christ you’re exactly the same. It’s concept I live, but haven’t quite learned to properly explain. A lot about me has changed, but my change has mostly been direction and motivation, not tools and traits. I think the best way for me to say it is that my pieces aren’t gone, but the potato is. I am a new creation and all of my seemingly random pieces now have a purpose because they’re connected to the right Body. So, no more Mrs. Potato Head…

 

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