I just spent minutes remembering the hours, days reminiscing about the years. You know, time really does zoom past. But it’s only in looking back that I see that it’s always been on my side. Never was there a moment when time was against me, just when I was trying to beat it.
I can’t look at smiling pictures laced with happy memories and wonder what I missed. There’s not even an inkling that I should have been elsewhere. There was no life changing opportunity lurking in the background. Nope, I’m getting used to not wondering what could have been because I was right where I should have been. Even in the dark days, I had to get thru Monday to make it to Tuesday.
All of my favorite “Do you remember that time…?”s don’t involve me trying to figure it out, but just letting it be. I look at my smile, our smiles, and there’s not even a shadow cast of worry or discontentment. Not everything was checked off my list, but in that moment the list ceased to be important.
I can still hear my laugh and remember how much my cheeks hurt. There’s still an echo of a guffaw, but there’s not a damp spot from my crying. I still have laugh lines, but not tear streaks.
These are the times I don’t want to miss, that I want to foster and nurture. They are who I want to invite along to keep me company when they aren’t as familiar. Not my “what’s next?” but my “wasn’t that fun?”
Oh, there will be weeping as my days go on, but the scale is unbalanced. Tipped in my favor, because it’s always been on my side. I’ve not missed a single thing, because it was never mine in the first place.
My happiest days are those I allowed, not those I forced. And yes, there should be some planning and intentions, but I don’t have any pictures of those. They have faded to gray as the good times have remained vibrant. I can’t let the drive ruin the ride. My dreams will not sully my reality.