This morning I was a mess, that’s probably putting it mildly, like I put the “gross” in “eww”. (Is that how that works?) It’s actually pretty miraculous to compare how I was this morning with how I am now. Like you don’t even know!
It was this really really heavy weight of: I can’t do this? Why can’t I just be like everybody else? It’s not fair that we just can’t take a break from life. I don’t want to give up but I don’t want to do this right now. I came so far and then I messed up again; it wasn’t even worth it. Where did this come from!? I knew it was an attack, but that did little to soften the blow. Spiritually I was in the fetal position for a very long 36 hours. I wasn’t trying to conquer anything, just survive it to see the other side. I did (far from my own doing) and this is where I’ve landed:
Basically, over the last few days since my Love Awoken post I’ve been praying specifically for this particular issue to be my station. Not just prayers of “whatever you want, God” which is great when there really isn’t any particular thing you’re rooting for, but since then my prayers have been very clearly asking for this, the essence of sexual purity, to be where I can take root and make a difference.
That post actually brought to light a lot of things that I didn’t know I was struggling with, but now that it’s been aired out, I can see it now and I can see how God is unleashing some serious wrath on such crippling thoughts. He’s not gently euthanizing it, it’s an all out annihilation. And as heartless as this sounds, it’s nice and comforting to see how mad God is, not at me at all, but at this mentality and worldly thinking that’s immobilized me for so long. God is not one to make nice with the things that harm and distract his children and that is love. Though God is loving, I don’t want a God that tries to make peace with the things that have brought me anything but.
While I sincerely feel lead to help others with sexual purity that goes beyond physical virginity, I’ve sincerely felt lead to do things before only to find out that wasn’t my resting place, only a pit stop. You live and you learn. I’ve made peace with the possibility that this may not be my ‘it’. Maybe this is just a starting point that will evolve into something else. Maybe this was just God’s way of getting the weight off completely so we can move on to bigger and better things. Maybe it was a wake up call for someone else who’s place it is to minister there. Who knows? I sure don’t, but God does and I’m tired of trying to figure it out. Whether you know this or not, it’s actually really exhausting being wrong.
Yesterday and this morning were straight from hell. There is no doubt in my mind as to whether or not that was sent with the intention to destroy BUT after some tried and (not so) true pouting and a plethora of encouragement and prayer from loved ones (see, you HAVE to have community!) I’m recovering. The attack was surely brought on by the enemy understanding that he’s under attack. It was a counterattack, and though I do get nervous saying this because it’s an invitation, I’m sure, the truth is it’s encouraging to know that the enemy had to upgrade his strategy because that means the old one doesn’t work on me anymore. FREAKING AMEN TO THAT!!!
God’s plans cannot and will not fail and since that’s true, I cannot fail. I tend to doubt and distrust myself more than I doubt and distrust God. Both halt the sanctification process and my mistake just casts me as the star player instead of him. I can and will sin (aka be a human), but there is never failure in God’s eyes. Everything I’ve done has gone exactly according to plan and so, though it’s very hard for me to cope with the fact that I’ll never be perfect on this side of heaven, I can hold tight to the truth that none of this is up to me. I can’t mess this up and that’s not like a “You won’t mess anything up that can’t be fixed“, it’s a “You have nothing that’s big enough to cause even a blemish to God’s plan” and that means a lot. If God says it’s so, then that’s what it is and if it isn’t yet, then I can take heart knowing that it will be… which means it’s not over.