Another update except this one is a lot less sowing and a lot more reaping. You know, the kind that actually makes someone feel good 🙂 I know the last few posts have been about the stretch, but I’m happy to report on the flexibility that’s followed.
On April 17 I posted a blog that I was very hesitant (and am still a little sick about) to share. It was about how I’d lost many battles to sexual purity without the physical deed itself. Basically, I now have a better understanding that physical purity means little when you’ve mentally been drowning in filth. For years in walking with Christ, it’s been the one thing that would always be locked up in the “Do Not Touch, God” part of my life. It’s hard to really explain why exactly, but I guess I always felt like I’d need that sin to get by again at some point in my life. I didn’t want to let it go in fear of not having it replaced.
After posting nothing super amazing happened right away; I experienced internal freedom by public confession and honestly, that was more than enough for me. It wasn’t until May 14th that I was confronted with it again by a loved one, the only loved one I’d literally prayed wouldn’t read it, for fear of it shattering the image they had of me. An unexpected phone call came that night and I had one of the most open and honest conversations I think I’ve ever had with this person and about my freaking struggles with sexual purity! Really weird and tt wasn’t even awkward, at least for me. During the conversation I remember thinking, “Shouldn’t this be going differently? Like worse maybe?” But it was a great conversation…. still sounds so odd saying that.
That’s just the first thing.
Next up that same night, literally minutes after that conversation, I ran into a friend and I was so thrown off by the encounter I’d just had that I told her about it. I wasn’t really trying to confess any deep hidden secrets, really I was just in desperate need to talk it out so I could properly process it. But then she felt lead to share her heart. SHE confessed something that had been weighing on her for what she says was too long. (Did I mention that I was her Bible study leader for years? No?) Anyway, that was more than enough to prove that whole “God works in mysterious ways” thing.
Last night, in just hanging out with a friend, I started to feel the impression “Tell her” and I was like, “Seriously, God? We’re not done with this whole thing?” And a response, a little more faint, said “Nope, we’re just getting started. You should get used to this.” So basically that was a enough to give me heart palpitations and the statement was so loaded and I didn’t want to step on that landmine so I just told her. Once again there was no effortless transition or anything. In fact, I think I somewhat awkwardly shouted, “God wants me to tell you something” which is bad enough and I promise that’s not usually how I operate.
Enough about me: with this particular confession to this person, it also carried a confession of a lie, so needless to say, it was not something I was excited to do. However, I can say it was easier than every other time before. With each revival of admittance, it’s carried more weight. The testimony comes packing; with more God, I’m guessing.
Anyway, in response, she told me that she’d been withholding something from a loved one and that she wanted to come clean, but was worried about them looking at her differently. I tried to encourage her to air it all out hoping that the outcome of my experience would encourage her. I guess it did because earlier today she told me she had the talk she was avoiding and disclosed everything. Not sure what the outcome was and I don’t need to know, just the fact that she was encouraged enough to take the chance means everything.
I posted 1 month ago. God let is simmer and for the most part I forgot. Then “all of a sudden, within less than a week all of this has happened. Are you processing this? If God had given me even a glimpse of what that post would initiate in my relationships, I would have quickly, selfishly, and disobediently said no. I’m not even gonna lie. But in doing something that freed me and sharing it honestly with others, not attempting to look good but to glorify, I have witnessed the redeeming, restoring power of testimony. And let me be completely honest. Not matter how much you like my writing, I promise the verbal communication is not as smooth so there is no denying that the only reason it’s made an impact is God. It’s about giving all of your story over for the glory of God. Not every response is going to be positive, I’m sure, but if this is what testimony can do, I have a feeling I’m going to get a lot of practice retelling my part in God’s story.