More and more I’m starting to understand the impact of being vulnerable, for others as well as myself. I’ve always had a mask of vulnerability which is really weird when you think about it. I master in confessing struggles without totally putting myself out there. Anyway, now with actually letting things go, it’s more freeing and pleasantly humbling than I imagined. After my last post I didn’t really expect to do another not so funny blooper reel of my walk, but today it was pretty obvious part deux was necessary. Proof?

1. My quote for the day was “We each need to make peace with our own memories. We have all done things that make us flinch. – Surya Das”

2. This morning I had this rush of temptation smack me in the face. It latched on to past bad decisions, invited me in to partake again, and when I didn’t it decided to shame me for what I’d already done.

3. The podcast I listened to on the way to work was about how saying “Me too” can build people up better than “You should…”

4. My devotional for today was about shame and guilt.

So yes, I’m not going to fight the facts, this is my aim today. I have to say that while I have many things in my past I should not have done, I don’t have a lot of guilt for the actions themselves. I’ve made peace with them. They’re not my thorn. Mine are the opportunities I missed out on in doing the things I should not have done.  The blessings I’ll never know I avoided by choosing pleasure over purpose. That regret plagues me when I let it settle over me.

I see the things God is doing through me now and how he’s using those things to help others and then I start to wonder how many people I missed. Where would I be if I’d stayed in his will? How many people did I lead the opposite way in my wandering? Those are the things that hurt me, the guilt, shame and regret of what could have been. That’s the gory.

But hold on because here comes the glory.  When those times come, God is teaching me to battle those thoughts with the simple thought “and God still stuck with me anyway.” That when I knew I was hurting myself and others, God said “I’m not going anywhere”. He was there the whole time. When I realized just how much he saw me do I feel so hurt that he had to see that. He doesn’t just know, he saw, HE WAS THERE. My past is my gory, his unwillingness to stay with me when it was my present and my testimony now is HIS glory.

It’s not the things I did and made it out of that make my story worth it, it’s that he uses it all to point to his character.  I lived out my testimony and I own it.  What good is it if I leave out all the embarrassing things? That only (falsely) point so how good I am, but I’m not. I’m not the hero of my story. All this “save your own life, be your own savior” crap will only make you smile while you drown. I am embarrassed about the decisions I’ve made because I knew better, but I’m not going to be held back by them.  The best platform I have to glorify God is to stand alive by the grave I was laying dead in. My gory is being used for God’s glory.

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