I’ve been waiting for inspiration to post, but lately it’s mostly been a host of necessary frustration. My intentions are usually to speak from victories. To testify when I past the test. To share my storm story when I’m sitting under the rainbow, but when I wait for that, sometimes the best things get lost in translation. When I wait for the win, I get so lost in the cheer that I can’t clearly remember the grunt. So here’s the present process prior to the predictable payoff (all those p’s weren’t intentional, but they’re awesome):
On a normal day in my current walk I wake up disheartened. I’m uninterested and frustrated. I go about my routine of prayer, bible reading and a sermon as I get ready before work, you know, doing what they say and spending time with God first. But usually I go on feeling like I’m always running on an almost empty tank. Very honestly, most of my prayers consist of me confessing to God how much I don’t much care for what I’m doing and how I’m tempted to do something mindless instead.
BUT while I don’t feel like I’m in a good place, that I am growing and progressing in my relationship with Christ, I know I am. I know that right now I wholeheartedly can’t sense much change. Each day is no longer filled with little nuggets of God’s goodness to keep me going. Before it was so easy, like I was sliding down into God’s arms (super cheesy I know, but just work with me). Now it’s like I’m trekking up the mountain.
The first step in my pattern of wandering has always been right at this very moment. Not when I’m in a storm or when I’m drowning in blessing, but when I’m bored. When I read my Bible and I don’t “get it”. When I hear a sermon and it’s good, but it’s not “for me”. When the worship song doesn’t give me chills it used to. When I pray and my mind starts wandering or I have to stop and ask myself if I mean what I’m saying because it doesn’t feel like it.
I try to be honest and tell God I’m really not in the mood to do the things that I know I should be doing, but (so far/usually) I do them anyway. And though it doesn’t counteract my somewhat apathetic attitude, I feel proud of myself, because I’m doing what I didn’t do before, sticking with it. Usually I would have quit by now. I would have stopped walking and willingly let myself become distracted. But not this time. This time I’m reaching and attempting to break the pattern.
Galatians 6:9 NIV
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
This is my focus right now. I’m trying to live the first part of this verse knowing that if I do, I will be living the second. I’ve forfeited too many blessings in the past because I was not persistent. I have to remember not my pattern of becoming disillusioned and giving up, but of God’s pattern in repeating this process. He’s repeated it so much in my walk that I’m JUST NOW starting to wonder what’s on the other side of this. I’ve read this story, walked this path, heard this speech many times, but I’ve never stuck around to see how it ended. Whatever it is, God has been trying to show it to me for years, but I’ve always abandoned the gift because of the grunt. I pray now that God will be with me and prod me along the way to overcome my stubbornness so I can make it to the other side this time around.