I am the most excited yet least excited I’ve ever been about posting in my entire life. I have something to confess and while it’s preferable to do so to one person or even a small group of people, sometimes you gotta go bigger. I can hear my well-intentioned dad saying maybe I shouldn’t put this on the internet, but big G dad is telling me this avenue is worth any negative feedback. So here goes:
I am a sexually impure virgin and there’s two big problems with that.
One is that there is a group of people to believe that to be untrue (the virgin part) because that’s what I told them years ago. I have had several bouts of walking away from God in my life. Not very happy about it in any way, but it’s true. I also have this impeccable way of derailing so much of my testimony during those rebellions. In this instance I met a group of friends who I’ve grown to love so much but at the time I misunderstood, thinking that I’d have to lie about experiences to fit in. I now know this to be untrue and that they would have accepted me as I was, but I didn’t give them the chance to do so.
In the weirdest most unnecessary lie ever, I lied about being a virgin. Weirder still I incidentally started acting like it as well. Coincidence? I think not, though it wasn’t my intention, but after that lie got out the enemy took it an ran…far. I was dragged along with him. Though I regretted it long long time ago I changed my ways and hoped that this could be one of those things that God swept under the rug because I “learned my lesson”. Needless to say, here I am. Without this post my friends are none the wiser, but I’m still a liar. But I don’t want to be. So there’s that. There’s forgiveness for them that I need to an ask for (knowing I don’t deserve it) but that’s not what this post is for.
The second reason my earlier statement is a big problem is simply this: Porn is not just a problem for men. Yes, I’m a virgin. Yes, I’m a woman. Yet I found myself willingly digesting porn more times than I should have. I can thankfully say it’s not an addiction, more of an intentional distraction, but it is a problem.
It’s been one of those things I’d battle by myself. Going months without it and thinking I’m over it only then to have a itch that I need to scratch again. As I’m writing this I’m less embarrassed than I thought I’d be, but not for good reason. My mind keeps telling me porn is not a big deal, because everyone has watched it, Believer or not. That’s not God’s voice; if it wasn’t a big deal this post wouldn’t exist. His voice is the one telling me to confess this sin. I will not be fooled again.
There are many many ministries that work toward freeing
people men from this, but I’ve never seen one geared toward women. Why I’m not sure. Maybe because for women, our struggle is supposed to be our relationship status or being a mom or something. And those things are legitimate struggles but they’re not the only ones. But I do know that never seeing one has attributed to me holding onto this so long. Porn is a sin for men. Why am I going through this?
As women (Christian especially) our sex drive is not something we talk about, or so I’ve seen. The few times we talk about sex it’s only in the confines of marriage. But what about before then. What am I supposed to do when I’m single, but I have those urges? Not a lot of resources. I promise this is not the blame game. Whether or not there are books, sermons, advice, I have full access to God and he is my strength, but… I don’t, just “but”.
Anyway, for now that’s it. If there be a husband in my future, I pray he’s reading this. That’ll save me some explanation and as I put this out there, the fight is not over, but the weight is lifted. I can already feel the barrier I’ve built crumbling and I can see God a little clearer.