Time is on my side

 

I just spent minutes remembering the hours, days reminiscing about the years. You know, time really does zoom past. But it’s only in looking back that I see that it’s always been on my side. Never was there a moment when time was against me, just when I was trying to beat it.

I can’t look at smiling pictures laced with happy memories and wonder what I missed. There’s not even an inkling that I should have been elsewhere. There was no life changing opportunity lurking in the background. Nope, I’m getting used to not wondering what could have been because I was right where I should have been.  Even in the dark days, I had to get thru Monday to make it to Tuesday.

All of my favorite “Do you remember that time…?”s don’t involve me trying to figure it out, but just letting it be. I look at my smile, our smiles, and there’s not even a shadow cast of worry or discontentment. Not everything was checked off my list, but in that moment the list ceased to be important.

I can still hear my laugh and remember how much my cheeks hurt. There’s still an echo of a guffaw, but there’s not a damp spot from my crying. I still have laugh lines, but not tear streaks.

These are the times I don’t want to miss, that I want to foster and nurture. They are who I want to invite along to keep me company when they aren’t as familiar. Not my “what’s next?” but my “wasn’t that fun?”

Oh, there will be weeping as my days go on, but the scale is unbalanced. Tipped in my favor, because it’s always been on my side. I’ve not missed a single thing, because it was never mine in the first place.

My happiest days are those I allowed, not those I forced. And yes, there should be some planning and intentions, but I don’t have any pictures of those. They have faded to gray as the good times have remained vibrant. I can’t let the drive ruin the ride. My dreams will not sully my reality.

City Stands

Rule of the evil king has come to an end

Overthrown in the revolution, defeated in the uprising

Too many years spent starving and thirsty

Too many promises bearing no possibility

So much work multiplied by the hurt

The conflict was brutal and the battles were bloody

 

But my new King is kind and merciful, powerful and just

Though trust takes time to build, hostility is fading

The city is flourishing and prosperous

The potential is high and the payoff is big

But the laws are new and unconventional

But the patience is endless and the instruction is reliable

 

All is fresh and rehabilitation is underway

But even in the restoration there are traitors

In the heart of the city, there lies the desperate and ruthless

They who wish to wreck havoc on all that is good for us

They want things the way things were, when we wept and warred

When we were in debt and in turmoil

 

There is still a struggle in the city

The heart of it still isn’t at peace

But my King has proven mighty

The will still lacks strength

But my King is strong

The spirit is free, but the calling is costly

 

The Travelers New Clothes

Of course the clothes on your back are now a size to big

But remember, you were swimming in them at the start of this gig

No, darling, the walls are not closing in on you

Been so busy you must have missed the fact that it’s you who grew

Those dreams you had we’re oh so overwhelming at step one

But once you started walking, they seemed like what you’d always done

Now we’re coming to a transition and it’s time for some upgrades

You have to loosen your grip to get something new in this trade

Nothing wrong with where you are, but it needs to be where you were

Time to grow up instead of being a professional amateur

The season you’ve come from has done you well

But it’s no longer the story you live, but the one you tell

So take off those too tight clothes because now you have new attire

A previous level in the story to pack and a new part to acquire

Yesterday gave you something that I hope you’ve held on to

Because it’s going to be the badge on your new garment you bring with you

2015 Was A Bad Mamma Jamma

‘Tis the season to reflect.  Though many many great things happened in 2015, it’s not exactly on my Favorite Year list. However, it practically tops the Holy Crap, I’ve Learned So Much This Year list.

So let’s see what we’ve got, shall we?

  1. Confession is a step forward on the path to change, but that one act of courageous surrender does little if it’s the only step you take. The hardest part of my journey since my confession in April has not been backsliding, but giving up the fight to get past it, avoiding what it’s left behind, and being complacent with a half-win.
  2. Bringing something new into your life often means stepping away from something else (good or bad). In my case, it’s been good. In order to invest, grow, and connect where I am now, I had to step away from a lot of familiar places and activities.
  3. You don’t grow based on what you know. Implementation is everything. Anyone can tell you I like to think about things and I’ve got a gift for figuring things out. It’s a blessing overall, but this year, that habit held me back so much. I sought to figure it all out. I’m JUST NOW putting more effort into moving forward and tackling things as they come rather than trying to identify what’s waiting around the corner.
  4. You have to give people a chance to know you to love you. One of the biggest things holding me back from confessing my struggle was the fact that I didn’t want people to treat me differently. In my mind, I made the decision for them that they wouldn’t love me through it. However, the reality I’m seeing is the exact opposite of that. The criticism that I created in my imagination hasn’t made an appearance in my reality.
  5. Fun & adventure are not the enemy, but they should never be the goal. I have a lot of good memories from this year and very few of them were hunted down. I started chasing after something more important and the fun and adventure were unexpected passengers along for the ride.
  6. {Insert whatever here} doesn’t have to be in vain. It can be hidden or employed. I cannot believe the difference in how readily and openly I’m ready to talk about my struggle with porn. There’s still a little hesitation due to the sensitive nature and the “is now the right time?” and all that, but now it’s always at the tip of my tongue. I’m ready to say that it is my was and though a part of it lingers in my is I’ve made a decision to put it to work for God’s glory and my good (which are the same thing, by the way).
  7. Sin runs far deeper than you’ll ever see on the surface. Oh. Em. Gee. I can’t stress this enough. I’m still shocked and saddened regularly by the things that I wrestle with now. Things I didn’t realize were a package deal. A lot of good, great, amazing things happened this year, but this… “lucky #7” are what made this year so hard. The truth is, this was riding my back, weighing me down in every good memory, and magnifying every bad one.
  8. Not everyone who tries to walk beside you is going the same way. Another sad reality. I’d ‘met’ someone who struggled with porn thru my blog post and we talked and I was so excited, so happy to have the chance to speak life to this person and tell them there’s a way out. Unfortunately, it became clear that their intent instead was to pull me back in and to take it further. Sucks for sure, but in that situation I found my confidence to tell them “NO” as well as my compassion to tell them “there’s better for you.”

So 2015, Thank you and goodnight.

 

By the way, if you’re wondering what in the world I’m talking about with the confession and addiction in all, here’s the killer and his cronies:

https://monniiee.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/go-big-or-go-home/

https://monniiee.wordpress.com/2015/06/03/love-awoken/

https://monniiee.wordpress.com/2015/08/14/yep-its-the-porn-thing-again/ 

 

 

It’s Been Months

This is more of a public journal entry, less of a message to any readers, though I do invite you to take a peek if you’d like

Earlier this summer my whole world changed. I took off the weight of a sin that secretly and severely broke me in every way for years. That freedom was more than anything I could have imagined, and still is. I thought the hard part was over in confession, time for the healing to begin. I didn’t expect the healing to be the hard part.

I had no idea how deep the wounds of my continuous sin went and in my walk with God through it, I was so hurt and shocked that I had no idea how I’d completely rotted my thinking. For a few months I stuck with it, but eventually it wore me down and I gave up. I was tired of feeling like the crazy person who was always trying to figure herself out. I didn’t return to sin completely, but I didn’t keep fighting for the freedom promised to me on the other side either. I decided that I’d rather stay at this level and do what I can with what I have. That in and of itself isn’t such a bad thing, except that I knew for a fact I was built for much more. That’s not an inflated ego, it’s an understanding and a responsibility.

God still brought people, opportunities, and experiences my way. Every single one of them a symbol of his outstretched hand asking me to take another step; to try one more time. But I was too scared to look inside that hole again; to start examining the things I’d filled it with. I refused to continue with the process of pointing out things that were broken without knowing how to fix them. Everyday I learned more about myself but still, at the end I’d come up with a longer to do list.

Although I’m confident there’s much more to it, I was once told that Hell is like spending everyday looking at the treasure of what could have been and seeing the trash you traded for it instead. In that sense, I was living in Hell. Everyday I’d feel the pull of “There’s something so much better for you, but you have to fight for it”, and the promise of a fight is what I focused on.

Where I am now situationally is is more than I every asked for, but if I don’t let the Doctor perform some painful and lifesaving surgery on me, I won’t be able to keep up. And I want to run with them. I want to ride the waves too; the ebbs and flows. But I can’t do that with gaping wounds and that’s why I’m here now. Because I’m trying to get my priorities straight… I don’t want to miss out. I’ve willingly done that enough.

I woke up in the middle of the night and in that weird area between sleeping and consciousness I finally confessed to myself (what I think to be) the root of it all: Who I am now is sickeningly envious of who I know I’m supposed to be, what I know God has called me to do. I’m mad and disappointed because in that time of trying to heal, I think it finally clicked how monstrous the chasm is between the two. I’m jealous of her not because she’s perfect, but because she knows the freedom of seeking Christ and not perfection.

It’s been months, months of being offered a warm meal everyday, but refusing to eat because I know I can’t enjoy the food without enjoying the cook.  It’s been months… and I am so hungry.

 

Breakdown

Opening up and tearing down

Vulnerability is inevitable

Try to protect yourself but your fear is exposed

Trying to scare away threats by puffing up

But you only make yourself easy to deflate

You are as fragile as you are strong

As secluded as you are accessible

We all seek safety; it’s natural and wise

But seclusion and withdrawal are anything but

Your indestructible mask still leaves your core naked

Save face, lose heart

A world full of angry and offended shells of what once held souls

But something ignites us all when tragedy strikes

Then we’re reminded that we’re not made of tin

That a brain will bring you reality, not peace

It’s the heart that hurts that effects most

They leave a mark, not a shadow

That tell stories, not relive scars

The Island Commute

Just a thought:

When you’re at a stoplight, do you ever wonder ‘Who else here thinks like me?’

Look to either side and actually comprehend the other person you see

Take a second to wander outside of your bubble to take a peak in theirs

Drink in the fact that there are other lives zooming by; do you keep them in your prayers?

See the truck driver and wonder if he’s got a family at home

Maybe ask what was the last conversation he had on his phone

See the person at the crosswalk and think about what their favorite joke is

And if they think they’ll ever want to have kids

The Honda behind you has a family and you wonder how close they are

Are they loving or are they basically four strangers in a car?

Every vehicle, every body harbors it’s own little universe of the person inside

Almost everyday you literally get a glimpse into each one on your car ride

It’s hard to get outside yourself, but it’ll put you in a much better place

Take a peek at all the other islands you pass by and mull over the things they must face

There’s probably a divorce in the car behind you and a proposal planned tonight in front

A baby growing, unknown to the mother and a single father on a job hunt

Someone’s trying to keep it together and holding back the tears

And another one’s about to take a risk and push aside their fears

A life being changed and one crumbling to dust

But making sure I make this next red light is a must

You get to witness that every single day yet many of us will never engage

Thinking we’re building our own little kingdoms, but really just getting comfortable in a cage