The Love I Never Lost

The love I never lost is relentless

Posted at every corner, guarding every path

Never having asked me for anything

Never ceasing in demanding to be received

But leery I stand anticipating an ambush

Yet never being attacked

Also never being abandoned

Love is not really a shadow or a cloud

It’s not one to hover or stalk

By nature it commands to be embraced

Whether willfully or fearfully, it will envelop you

You will drown in it fighting or float in it blissfully

Accepted or rejected, you are the mission, you are the target

The love I never gave is all that’s been lost

Suffocated by my hesitance to offer it freely

But the love I’ve been met with, been blanketed by, surrounded in, preserved under

That, my dear heartbroken friend, that is the love I never lost

Or rather the love that never lost me

Apparently

Apparently it’s the sincere smiles and the morning greetings

Apparently it’s the simple conversations and impromptu meetings

Apparently it’s the initial decision every morning to say yes

Apparently it’s the honesty of the moment instead of making someone guess

Apparently it’s the spontaneous declaration of “I truly care for you”

Apparently it’s the big motives behind the little things you do

Apparently it’s the one brick you lay and not the whole wall you build

Apparently it’s the one promise kept rather than the millions unfulfilled

Apparently it was the candor in “I’m sorry and I was wrong”

Apparently it’s the vulnerability that makes you strong

Apparently it’s the catalyst dressed in “Ok, let’s try this again”

Apparently it’s how you keep going, not how you begin

Apparently this surrender is easier than I thought

Apparently it’s not me attaining more, but giving all I’ve got

Of Now

For the umpteenth time I find myself trying to diagnose my own ailment

And for another round I think I’ve identified the affliction

My dilemma is that I’m a chronic grave robber

Time and time again I dig up the Simone that once was

I sit with her and pray that her time isn’t be up, that she’s got to come back

She never hit her peak, she never got to reap what she sewed

Again and again I’m convinced that I’ve found a way to resuscitate her

But her life has come and gone

I haven’t quite figured out how to manage what is, so fixated on what was

How can I give my now a chance to prove herself?

In reality, what has she really got to prove?

I’m much better friends with what was

So loyal to her that I’ve neglected the she that is

But it’s time to let go because they can’t both live, but they can both die

One is enough, one will be enough

I rejoice that I knew and was the Simone of the past

And I’m learning to rejoice that I can be and will be the Simone of now

Go Big or Go Home

I am the most excited yet least excited I’ve ever been about posting in my entire life.  I have something to confess and while it’s preferable to do so to one person or even a small group of people, sometimes you gotta go bigger.  I can hear my well-intentioned dad saying maybe I shouldn’t put this on the internet, but big G dad is telling me this avenue is worth any negative feedback.  So here goes:

I am a sexually impure virgin and there’s two big problems with that.

One is that there is a group of people to believe that to be untrue (the virgin part) because that’s what I told them years ago.  I have had several bouts of walking away from God in my life. Not very happy about it in any way, but it’s true. I also have this impeccable way of derailing so much of my testimony during those rebellions. In this instance I met a group of friends who I’ve grown to love so much but at the time I misunderstood, thinking that I’d have to lie about experiences to fit in.  I now know this to be untrue and that they would have accepted me as I was, but I didn’t give them the chance to do so.

In the weirdest most unnecessary lie ever, I lied about being a virgin. Weirder still I incidentally  started acting like it as well.  Coincidence? I think not, though it wasn’t my intention, but after that lie got out the enemy took it an ran…far. I was dragged along with him. Though I regretted it long long time ago I changed my ways and hoped that this could be one of those things that God swept under the rug because I “learned my lesson”. Needless to say, here I am. Without this post my friends are none the wiser, but I’m still a liar. But I don’t want to be. So there’s that.  There’s forgiveness for them that I need to an ask for (knowing I don’t deserve it) but that’s not what this post is for.

The second reason my earlier statement is a big problem is simply this: Porn is not just a problem for men.  Yes, I’m a virgin. Yes, I’m a woman. Yet I found myself willingly digesting porn more times than I should have.  I can thankfully say it’s not an addiction, more of an intentional distraction, but it is a problem.

It’s been one of those things I’d battle by myself.  Going months without it and thinking I’m over it only then to have a itch that I need to scratch again.  As I’m writing this I’m less embarrassed than I thought I’d be, but not for good reason.  My mind keeps telling me porn is not a big deal, because everyone has watched it, Believer or not. That’s not God’s voice; if it wasn’t a big deal this post wouldn’t exist. His voice is the one telling me to confess this sin. I will not be fooled again.

There are many many ministries that work toward freeing people men from this, but I’ve never seen one geared toward women. Why I’m not sure.  Maybe because for women, our struggle is supposed to be our relationship status or being a mom or something. And those things are legitimate struggles but they’re not the only ones.  But I do know that never seeing one has attributed to me holding onto this so long.  Porn is a sin for men. Why am I going through this?

As women (Christian especially) our sex drive is not something we talk about, or so I’ve seen.  The few times we talk about sex it’s only in the confines of marriage.  But what about before then.  What am I supposed to do when I’m single, but I have those urges?  Not a lot of resources. I promise this is not the blame game.  Whether or not there are books, sermons, advice, I have full access to God and he is my strength, but… I don’t, just “but”.

Anyway, for now that’s it. If there be a husband in my future, I pray he’s reading this.  That’ll save me some explanation and as I put this out there, the fight is not over, but the weight is lifted.  I can already feel the barrier I’ve built crumbling and I can see God a little clearer.

Somewhat Surely

Resurfacing is hard

There’s no applause or accolades for “should have been doing that anyway”

Yet, there’s this need to inhale after every exhale

You’re yourself alone, but ecstatic that you found the will to swim up

Now you search the horizon and realize how far you drifted while submerged

Yes, infinitely overwhelmed, but riding the high of “I can do this”, you set sight for land

Maybe you make some progress, but you’re aware that you’ll never make it on adrenaline alone

But you have very few options now, but a little more hope and a little more motivation

So you float, and you tread water, and you drift again… slowly

But this time with a purpose, a direction

You’re going home slowly and only somewhat surely

Everyday the sun goes down, but you make a promise not to follow it

And every night the moon comes to check on you

As you say hello and goodbye day by day you keep watch of the surface

You remind yourself that there’s much below you, dangerously welcoming

But you were made for land, you survived the sea, but that’s not where you belong

No more reckless dives assuming you can live with the fish

You don’t belong there

So you float, and you tread water, and you drift again… slowly

But this time with a purpose, a direction

Home

From the Heart

“Speak from the heart”

Ok, well right now my heart is speechless

Or maybe I just understand it less

Either way the feeling is foreign as the words are few

I can’t tell you how I feel because my feelings haven’t yet told me

Listening to your heart can be deafening and too acidic to digest

It’s wild and while it can take you on adventures, sometimes they lead to a cliff

The heart is fickle and always willing to give each emotion its turn to lead

Speak from the heart and you’ll express the most beautiful poem with no meaning

No, the heart is far from my enemy, it’s my child

My impressionable child that needs to be free to learn, but also lead

One that can be taught, but can wreak havoc when given the reigns

One that cannot be tamed, but can be developed and cultivated

I learn something from it everyday

Some days it’s truths that will open up so many doors and break so many chains

Other days, it’s that my heart is just as confused as everything else

But we work together to make it work

So when it’s speaking gibberish, I don’t gag it to shut it up

But I don’t let the chaos it speaks leave it’s wounds

Because my heart, oh my heart, I will protect you

Even when it’s from yourself

When you can’t make sense and you’re left exposed and vulnerable

I will protect you, give you the coverage to heal, to learn, to grow

I speak from my heart when I say, “Thank you”

Love is…

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is patient, but love is not love without consent

Love is kind, but love does not leave one blind

It does not envy, it’s infatuation that fuels that frenzy

It does not boast, it’s quick to communicate gratitude at most

It is not proud, though it’s appreciation in silence is still loud

It does not dishonor others, joy for one should never cause pain in another

It is not self-seeking, that selfishness cloaked as desire is not the same thing

It is not easily angered, and love like that for oneself or others in endangered

It keeps no record of wrongs, it fights the will to bring past transgressions along

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth which is why it never ages in its youth

It always protects, even if the choice is one with which it objects

Always hopes, though the future looks bleak it still holds strong to the rope

Always preserves with understanding that  love like this you build, even when you don’t deserve