I am a threat

I’ve typed and deleted my words so many times because no matter what I said, the words just didn’t really capture what I’m feeling.  So, instead of trying of assuming it’s my ‘duty’ to write about this because I’m African-American in the USA, I decided just to be honest. That means this will be a mess of words strewn together, no grace or flair necessary.

I’m hurt.

I’m confused.

I’m upset that I’m not shocked.

I’m not angry, there’s no room for that.

I’m impressed by the solidarity that this has created.

I’m saddened that someone (a human being, not just a black man) had to die to usher it in.

I shouldn’t be nervous to address this because I fear that people might think I’m “angry”. I should be bothered that I feel more comfortable keeping my mouth shut in order to keep the peace in my little slice of life.

I should expect more from myself than to be agreeable and non-threatening because it’s obvious that despite my character, I’ll always be a threat.  And I should live as such. Because I will strive to be a threat.  A threat to every single person who believes all Black people are the same, that all women are the same, that all Christians are the same, that all Americans all the same.  

I’m proud to be what I am, because I was created this way on purpose. I wear many hats and although some are hard to weather sometimes, I am proud.

Still here

Another notification from you

I haven’t talked to you in an embarrassingly long time

I think we both know why the communication has been one way

Though my enthusiasm has dwindled, your assertion has not

You still invite me to all the parties, but I’d rather stay home

Wrapped up in my comfortable delusion that everything is ok

Watching the program that depicts what could be

Connecting with the same people who are doing the same thing

Soothing to the point of paralysis, not really seeing the point of analysis

Sometimes I  feel a tug but instead of paying attention, I just pull back

Cryptic Peace

Man, sometimes I get so wrapped up in “what!?” that I miss the “wow!

Plenty perplexing me of the future and past, but I can’t miss the awe of now

The shadows will descend if you’re always so shady

But that glow takes over when you aren’t hung up on “maybe”

I’ve planted many seeds and some grow while others never see the light

But with good perspective I can still see the stars in the darkest night

Call me cheesy, but at least I got some flavor

Just chill out for a second, you’ll be doing yourself a favor

You’ll always drown in obscurity until you let yourself be rescued

Odd enough there’s still room for serenity amidst being confused

Try it; give yourself permission to thrive in the unknown

Then you’ll see just how many opportunities you really haven’t blown

Ancient Angst

Since the beginning there’s been a push and pull

The drive to be free and the itch to be saved

We want to make our own decisions, pave our own way

Yet we want someone to pick us up and carry us home

We want to know that every step we took was out of our own choosing

Yet something inside us wants to believe it was it’s all destiny

The ancient angst, the brazen battle, the constant conflict… perpetual persistence

The Seven

All I hear is “Control this

Control my insatiable greed

Control my urge to call it “need”

Control the overwhelming pull of lust

Control my belief that physical affection is a must

Control the wasteful habit of gluttony

Control the desire to consume everything I see

Control the perceived comfort from sloth

Control my apathy for all the time I’ve lost

Control my craving of the feeling I get from pure wrath

Control the sensation of power I get in seeing its aftermath

Control the frenemy that calls itself envy

Control the idea that the blessings of others hinders me

Alas, control this lie that says I have any room for pride

Control deceptive thinking that anything I need, I provide

All I hear is “Control this

So many homes, I have none

He says “Let’s go home” and I go here

She says “Let’s go home” and I go there

Seems I have a home a little of everywhere

I’m just Suessin’ ya

But really I think I’ve found a different home with so many

Not a location that’s ours, but a security in their presence

You say “home” and my mind says “right now, that’s with you”

Home is together  and sometimes home is alone

Yes, I have one house, but so many times I have to leave to ever really feel at home

“Home” is where the heart wants to be

 

Convicted

Within the parameters of right and wrong, it seems I’ve drifted

The target before others I hit dead on; but my own goal, it seems I’ve missed it

I had every intention to stay grounded, but it seems I’ve been lifted

The path before me was straight and evident, but it seems the ground has shifted

I was so solid and dependable, but it’s seems I’ve melted to liquid

My brain was so easy and enjoyable to navigate, but it seems I’ve become so twisted

Never a slave to anything, but it seems I’ve become addicted

I crave the excuse that I’m just like everyone else, but it seems I’ve been gifted

We assume gifts bring joy and bliss, but it seems I’m now a misfit

It was supposed to be exhilarating deviating, but it seems it’s lonelier than I predicted

I thought this was volunteer work, but it seems I’ve been enlisted

Terrified by all this uncertainty, but it seems all the irrelevant is just being sifted

Less likely to be a martyr if I blend in, but it seems more than necessary to risk it